Second hand embarrassment. We all know it. Those cringe moments can make me stop watching a show or leave the room. As my sisters well know, since I leave the room whenever the dinner party happens in Pride and Prejudice (Colin Frith edition). Mary’s singing, followed by the father and mother’s tactlessness are too much. Nope. I’m out. The moments that terrify me usually involve social awkwardness. But I have recently discovered that this fear can also give me writer’s block.

Writer’s Block: is it me or my characters?

My character’s will take on a life of their own. I am writing their story, but it evolves and changes around them, their hopes, dreams, fears and hangups. 

We get on usually, but there are times when the story doesn’t progress.

Sometimes, it’s me. I put my character into a situation or I am approaching the scene where they must have a serious heart to heart and I get embarrassed about it. I lose confidence and the fear of writing the scene wrong takes over. I can’t move forward or face what needs to be faced and BAM I hit an unmovable wall, an invisible block.

Sometimes, it’s the characters. I am writing the third book of the Fairy Doctor series, when I decided to give some conflict to Lillia and her lover, sending them to different places. They are not ready yet, I thought. They can’t be together yet. But out of nowhere the story stutters and stalls. I look out the window and check my map and I don’t get it. Why is the story stuck in the mud? This time, it’s my character’s rebelling. They wanted to be together right now, flirting up a storm. I was forcing the story. So, I let them do what they wanted (decisions that fit their character in the first place) and the story moved forward again.

Panthering (not Pantsing) 

I don’t think of it as writing by the seat of your pants for a couple of reasons.

One. Pantser is a silly name, but I originally misheard it as panther. Yes, I am a panther hunting through a jungle of messy plot and characters with problems. Panthers are sleek and deadly, just the way I am when editing! They stalk down the right word for the right moment, staring for hours. Being a panther is about being spontaneous and free, but it doesn’t mean there’s no outline or no idea of what’s going on. You know your jungle and who’s in it, after all.

Two. What does it even mean to pants? It’s such a bizarre colloquial phrase. Like, by the skin of your teeth, on the edge of the knife. They’ve become meaningless cliches. Writing by the seat of your pants implies shortcomings, that you’re barely getting by and you have no clue about past-present-future, you’re flying by the seat of your pants.

This is not how I write.

I have a plan, in general. I have a very good sense of my characters and how their desires clash with each other. I usually outline the beginning and, as I’m actively writing the story, I continue to outline. I make sure I stay on the route, following my theme and seeing that my characters fall into predicaments. You write yourself into trouble and then you write yourself out. 

Like when Lillia is captured by the Merlion of Singapore and taken to his underwater lair. I knew she would get caught, but not exactly how she would escape. Not knowing I wrote the scene to find out what happens, just like a reader reading!

So, I write the story first, then make sure the outline is working. Yes, this may require heavy revisions. As a panther I am okay with that.

Re-visions, finding the light at the end of the tunnel

After I’ve finished a draft, I imagine other possibilities. I question everything. Does this make sense? Did I ignore the emotions here? What is she feeling and why am I not showing that? Why did it take 12 chapters for the lover to show up? (I am a terrible romance writer, yet I aspire to write rom-coms in space!) Well, let’s fix it. Even editing a story, fear can sneak in. Fear that the romance is too fake. The jokes are falling flat. The descriptions are dull as soapy glass. 

My editor brain says, “Look! The character is not taking any decisive action, but things are happening to her.” (I do this consistently with my first drafts. I write these passive scenes that must be switched up to give the character more agency. Why does the ghost just show up when I can have Lillia summon her? Ahha!) 

Fighting the fears isn’t easy. This can be the moment I discover I’m avoiding an emotional conversation because I find it embarrassing. Are they really going to share their feelings right now? Can’t we do this later?

Fear will stop me. I can’t see my way out of the fog. I have no idea what’s supposed to happen next, because the outline skips ahead to a vague description. Like in the Elven Ink novel I started, but haven’t finished. In the third act of the story I know that Zina and Zak are reunited in his clan, where she is an outsider. But how? (This is when the panther lays down to sleep, or hides in a cave.) I am bereft and without hope. Overwhelmed, I lay down the pen, unplug the computer (or switch tabs to watch anime instead.) Because working out why I’m having difficulty might mean facing whatever is making me uncomfortable, the social anxiety, or fears I am not good enough to write this. 

In darkness, where do we look but toward the light.

Writing isn’t always easy. That doesn’t mean I give up. I am learning to finish my projects, especially this year when I made a list of all the unfinished ones I’ve left behind. The light ahead is what pulls me forward. I can figure out the problem, whether it’s me or the characters or just life overwhelming me. (Maybe I need to recharge my artist-self.) The Artist’s Way encourages taking Artist Dates to reconnect with your inner artist, or just recognize that life can be overwhelming. You can take a day or two and figure out what’s going on. Then, because we are writers, we are curious and playful, (or we aspire to be.) We want to know what happens next… we do not give up.

The panther stalks out of her cave, and crosses a beam of light before disappearing into the shadows, sleek and stealthy. We are on the hunt for the story again.